Self-Confidence? What's That?

DISCLAIMER: THIS ISN'T A MISSED POST. I USED THE SCHEDULING FEATURE INCORRECTLY SO MY POST DIDN'T GO OUT LAST NIGHT AS EXPECTED. IT WAS USER ERROR, NOT A MISSED POST. EVEN THOUGH I HAVE ALREADY FAILED, I WANT TO KEEP THE STREAK ALIVE. THANKS!!

I probably have the worse self-confidence of anyone I know. I was thinking in the shower about how little I have and just why that is. I can't put my finger on it. I could write for days about things that I think could have caused it, reasons I feel the way I do, and why I can't overcome it, but what's the point? At the end of the day I will still be left with little to no self-confidence.

It has gotten a little better since Avery was born, but ultimately I still have very little. I think what I mistake for self-confidence is actually just laziness or apathy. Being insecure is a very time consuming condition.

For example, I would never, ever wear a sleeveless shirt. Not in a million years. Too white, too flabby, and too exposed. I think I have worn a tanktop since Avery was born. Not because I am so confident and self-assured now, nope, not at all. It was the only thing clean.

I hate being this way, but I don't know what to do about it. Therapy is too expensive, and I hate whining. It seems ridiculous to whine to someone and pay them to listen. Pointless. Plus, I am sure I would still struggle with my confidence. A therapist can't whiten my crappy, filling filled teeth. They can't clear up my acne scarred skin, or fix the hump I have on the back of my neck that makes me look like Quasimodo. They can't make my hair awesome, my eyebrows visible, or my eyelashes longer. Thy can't remove these 1000 moles from my fat body, so how could they make me more confident?

I am so jealous of those big girls that you see in way too tight clothes. I am always so jealous of them. They are confident, and even though they might be wearing a shirt that is two sizes too small, they are owning it, and good for them.

I can't even wear a big necklace or dangley earrings without feeling completely uncomfortable. I recently bought a sweater/cardigan that has ruffles down the front and it is a really rich blue/green color. I felt nauseous wearing it in to work and everyone noticed it. Several people even pointed out how it was not me at all, but they liked it.

I don't look in the mirror except when flossing and then only briefly. I hate dressing room mirrors. In college I was so pathetic, I got a 1-800 number so the jerk I was dating could call me for free. PATHETIC. God I hate that memory. What a stupid, pathetic, loser thing to do. BLERG!

The other day when we went to the circus, I took a little time to get ready. I really wanted a picture of Me and Avery at the circus. When I opened the bathroom door Greg said, "Avery look at Mommy, doesn't she look pretty? You look pretty Mommy." That was the first time he has ever said that. He claims I am wrong. He reminded me he said it on our wedding day. He didn't. When I got to the front of the church he said, "You look very nice!" Not the same Greggie, not the same. BTW, I did not get a picture of me and Avery at the circus :O(